


There but for the Grace of God Go I

by macabreverbosity



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evil Space Boyfriends, Hux and Kylo are full of hate, Hux is having none of his shit, I've joined the trash can, Kylo has slight (read immense) abandonment issues, Kylo is delirious from blood loss, Kylo thinks he's dying, M/M, he's a bit dramatic, this is my contribution, trash can and his ginger boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 02:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6310624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macabreverbosity/pseuds/macabreverbosity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After his defeat at Starkiller and the detonation of the planet Kylo Ren finds himself reflecting at the most inopportune of times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There but for the Grace of God Go I

**Author's Note:**

> this is what you get when I start thinking about Kylo Ren lying in the snow defeated. this isn't fluff. this is so far from fluff. this is just my pain.  
> (this is unbeta'd so yeah expect mistakes and feel free to point them out)

Sometimes Kylo dreamt he was dying. More often than not it was not a pleasant experience; other times the death was quiet, barely a whispered spike of the force, a delicate touch to his being then cool and soothing silence. Other times it was hot—scorching—he’d find himself chocking on wet ash, the glow of dying embers set off to perfection by the chorus of screams. Lying face down in the snow, his body broken and aching Kylo wonders, not for the first time, whether his dreams had been really that or rather visions brought to him by the Force.

  
He takes inventory of the wounds he’s sustained in the battle, mentally assessing the extent of the damage, gritting his teeth against the burden of his own guilt and shame. Kylo Ren—Master of the Knights of Ren, Apprentice to Snoke; bested by a mere girl; a nobody! An irrelevant scavenger from Jakku who had worked her way up through the wood work of his grand becoming; obliterating the very foundations he’d built since he was a boy of sixteen.

  
The girl that had wormed her way into his mind and picked at his weaknesses like a vulture picking at a carcass, information she could carry with her to engineer his destruction. She was strong with the Force, that one—stronger than he. Kylo had been told since the day he had come to Snoke, that _he_ was the most powerful Force user in the galaxy, his very identity had been fixed in that fact—rendered a concept now, an untruth.

  
Lost now in the snow, the fallen prodigal son, he wonders if Snoke would send anyone to retrieve him before the planet imploded, the glorious machine collapsing under the weight of its own immense power. Kylo thinks of himself in that context—reckless and volatile—and sees his own implosion mirrored in the crumbling planet.

  
His vision blurs as snowflakes catch on his eyelashes, his consciousness flickers, swimming in and out of time; his pain vast and all encompassing, his anger a bottomless well—dark and baleful. He, again, wonders if he would be saved or if he had been deemed inessential to the Supreme Leader and therefore expendable; if Hux—yes that was the name of the General with so much anger and fire, the warm glow of it never too far from Kylo’s consciousness—would be ordered to retrieve the girl, instead. It would be a fitting end to the mockery Kylo’s life had been reduced to and for a brief frantic moment he laughs. It was all very funny really, abandoned once again; deemed _subpar_ once again.

  
Numbly, Kylo thinks back to a time—another lifetime ago, really—when he had made an honest effort to be good, when he had been rewarded with rejection, neglect and separation. Snoke had saved him, had given him purpose and direction, had cultivated him into a deadly weapon and nurtured his skills to frightening levels. Kylo, however, knew his place with Snoke, he would only be worthy of Snoke’s favor if he proved useful to the Supreme Leader. He was Snoke's attack dog, for lack of a better word. Beaten and starved, made subservient and feral.

  
The thought mirrors his father’s own words— _He will crush you_. Kylo knows; he knows he is expendable—a waste. A disappointing waste. The thought ignites fire through his veins—bright red and branding—he twitches slightly, aching to destroy and tear—at himself or anything—to kill and maim. Aching for an outlet for the fire and brimstone in his mind. His head spins, as he thinks of his revenge. It would be glorious, he would rip the girl and her little traitor friend to shreds. He would bathe in their blood and exhault in the red coating his body. They would pray for death when he was done with them. He had no room for regret, no room for rational thought, only anger and the screams of a million beings in the throes of death. He could almost hear them, the blood loss making him lightheaded and delirious.

  
Surely, Hux would come for him; he _had_ to. Kylo was sure he wasn’t imagining the tension that had been growing between them, they relied on each other, fed off of one another’s anger. It was very far from something as weak and tepid as affection; it was ambition and anger, far stronger than anything Kylo had ever had with any of his family or anyone else really. At the thought of family, his side pulses with a sharp edge of pain, shooting up his spine causing an arc of power to ripple out, toppling trees around him. Groaning, he thinks, surely he should have bled out and died by now; and almost wishes it were so. A sudden wave of nausea crests and he’s plunged into blissful darkness.

***

Hux had been ordered by the Supreme leader to retrieve Kylo Ren to continue his training and begrudgingly he admits that when he had received the call to the chamber where he regularly met with the ancient being, he had already been thinking of the best way to extract the Knight.

Hux refuses to examine the knot of emotions he’s currently experiencing. Between the loss of Starkiller Base and the undetermined status of Kylo Ren, Hux felt that his own emotions were at best an inconvenience and at worst an outright nuisance. As he stalks towards the shuttle, his eyes focused on the red dot on the screen that indicated Kylo’s whereabouts, he purposefully keeps his mind blank. Loss of control was unbecoming. His emotions were superfluous. Inefficient.

Hux would find the Knight and they would begin to rebuild. The Supreme Leader had been confident that things had gone as they should have, that everything had gone according to plan. Despite Hux’s consternation he allows the platitude to calm him, to allow him to focus on something other than the weight of his own failure. The rapid beeping of his datapad breaks into his reverie and he quickly orders the ship to land, hoping he would reach the Knight in time; that the planet would be detonating as he expected it to and nothing would impede his path.

Hux runs as fast as the snow and unstable ground allow him, his small detail of Stormtroopers lag slightly behind and he pays them no mind as he spots a dark spot in the snow up ahead surrounded by far too much blood. For a moment, Hux fears the worst—that he had waited too long, and he forces down his panic in favor of action. His emotions were superfluous. Inefficient.

  
He hastens his step until he is close enough to kneel by the Knight’s prostrate body and feel for a pulse at his neck, finding a thready weak beat. He exhales silently in relief and with a flick of his wrist he orders the troops to take care of the Knight’s transport.

The way back to the ship is faster and less strained. Hux; however, refuses to relax until they are safely ensconced in the shuttle and breaking free of the crumbling planet’s atmosphere. Relaxing fractionally Hux feels a probing presence touch his mind and he projects a general feeling of curiosity hoping it will be enough for the presence he knows to be Kylo.

 _I thought I had been abandoned._ Kylo supplies quietly, more subdued than Hux has ever heard him and he immediately hates the uncertainty—no one as powerful as this being should ever feel uncertain. Unbidden, Hux feels a pulse of hatred for the girl who had destroyed his hard work, he carefully files it away for later; the current situation was suboptimal and required his full attention. _Snoke would never leave you_. Hux projects back.

 _I am a tool, General. A disappointing one at that. The girl would have been a worthier boon._ And Hux can feel the weariness behind the words, the resignation.

 _Fair enough, Ren. I would have never left you there_. Hux projects, feeling his temper slipping at the passiveness he senses in Kylo’s mental presence; like a cowed youth, defeated.

Kylo projects a single word back at Hux—a question really: _Why?_

 _Despite your flagrant disregard for order and blatant defiance of all that is reasonable you are needed to maintain this tenuous balance. You are the only equal I have on this ship_. Hux is loathe to admit this dependence that had been fostered between them even in the most obtuse of manners, but Hux was a blunt man and saw no point in lying unless it served his purposes. _Even if you were a failure._ Hux adds almost as an afterthought, trying to get a rise out of the Knight.

 _I hate you._ Kylo projects before withdrawing completely from Hux’s mind, the presence no longer self-deprecating and sullen which makes Hux smirk.

 _I’m aware._ he sends back as the ship’s hyperdrive kicks in and the stars stretch out endlessly before them.

**Author's Note:**

> They're both assholes and I strive to keep my trash cans as such. I've joined the landfill and I'm feeling fine.  
> find me on tumblr at murderdollls


End file.
